The woes that have plagued me

I hate Year of Wonders. I despise its cloying sentimentality, its militantly unsubtle feminism and its devotion to narrative and linguistic cliché, as devout as the pious villagers who are ravaged by the plague in Geraldine Brooks’ bestselling novel. 

Year of Wonders, upon reflection, is much like the film Titanic. They are both unlikable for the same reasons. James Cameron’s 1997 Oscar-baiting extravaganza stretched credibility in its melodramatic acting and cheddar-scented dialogue, yet the shared gene is the overt sentiment. Never let it be said that I’m a nihilist. When moved by a work, I am transported. James Lee Burke does this to me. Raymond Carver does this to me. Yet what Titanic and Year of Wonders do to me is evoke one word more strongly than any other: artifice. That is why this book makes me feel nothing, and makes me feel angry at the simplism of those who are inspired and stimulated by it. 

It has been claimed that Brooks has “natural narrative flair”. For those who need nothing more than a vanilla heartstring-puller, this may be the case. Yet consider the way in which Brooks presents her (admittedly compelling) subject matter: “The Plague is cruel in the same way [as a whiplash]. Its blows fall and fall again upon raw sorrow, so that before you have mourned one person that you love, another is ill in your arms”. One can almost see Kleenex’s share-price climbing in jagged red peaks, ever higher. The problem here is not the tragedy of loss. The problem is not the shattering of communities, nor a woman’s committed struggle to gain strength and self-possession. The problem is the way these subjects are presented. Brooks distances us with her formulaic, unimaginative language from her subject matter. It is impossible to care about what she says, because she goes beyond gilding the lily. Rather, she stands accused of simultaneously drowning and burning it in searing, molten gold.

The artifice begins at a linguistic level: “I open the door to my cottage these evenings on a silence so thick it falls upon me like a blanket.” For the thirty-somethings in bathrobes, curling up on the couch with a tray of chocolates, a glass of red wine and Brooks’ flaccid offering, this is heart-rending hardship which will be overcome – against all odds – by the resilient narrator, Anna. The more discerning remain unconvinced. Once more, these rejectors must not be viewed as nihilists. Instead, they are those who have graduated beyond Disney, knee-jerk, broad-brushstroke fiction – and accept no substitutes. 

I refute all claims of bigotry. I see myself as a liberal, free-thinking individual whose preconceived ideas are subject to constant revision. That said, I encountered serious problems with Brooks’ feminism. Again, much of the problem lies in Brooks’ presentation. I would just as readily reject any exponent of our nation’s thriving oeuvre of immigrant fiction, for example, if its agenda was as poorly handled and blatantly blared out as it is in this novel. I would dismiss gay literature as propaganda if its overt and unsubtle message was Let us get married. And yet, I adamantly support a tolerant immigration policy, as much as I advocate an accepting society of marriage equality. I believe that women are frequently more capable, intelligent and resilient than men. My sister told me that women are genetically more capable of dealing with hardship. All the above should be taken into account as I reject the blatancy and clumsiness which characterises Brooks’ skywriting of her feminist agenda. This is the first book I have ever had to insert batteries into, as the flashing lights around one of Brooks’ dominant themes needed some serious juice. On attempting to rescue a baby from her crazed Satanist mother, Anna is fuelled by a feminine energy as powerful as it is wince-inducing: “I believe it was the dregs of my own mother-courage – the force within a woman that will drive her to do that for her babe that she would not dream was within her power to do”. Brooks’ narrative cruise-liner gouges itself once more on the cruel icebergs of unconvincing writing, imbued with more passion than subtlety. William Blake, at a time when his friend Mary Wollstonecraft was the forerunner of feminist thought, was a more convincing voice for feminine energy and the power of the female spirit. I would rather wade my way through Visions of the Daughters of Albion, a densely involved and rewarding treatise on sexual liberation, than watch Brooks fumble with a language in which she has limited capacity and themes which she advocates far less eloquently than either her contemporaries or her predecessors. When an agenda is tracheotomically inserted into your oesophagus, you will more likely cough it up than suck it down. In this way, Brooks does more harm than good for a meaningful cause whose undertaking she should leave to those more gifted in expression.

It’s a bestseller. It’s changed many people’s lives, I’m sure. Which is – in a way – heartening. Whether or not its position by the toilet is for less literary and more ad-hoc hygienic purposes, some people felt inspired by this book. More power to them. The rest of us – though we may be cultural elitists – will sit back in our ivory tower, and spit down on all the common folk clamouring below, desperate to find sanctuary within after the plague of cookie-cutter blandness has infected them all. 

Crave

This is a small section of a longer story I’m writing. I was this hungry the other day, and I noticed the same thing in Carver’s short stories. We get really, really hungry when we feel empty.

I roll over and prop myself on my elbow. The drive is urgent and overpowering.
‘Are you hungry?’
She is lying on her back smoking a cigarette, staring at the cieling.
‘No eat often. No money. Not hungry.’
I wave my hand frantically, importantly.
‘What do you want. Anything. What do you want?’
She exhales and glances over, then shrugs.
‘What you want? You hungry. You happy for food.’
I sit still, but I want to tap out a rhythm on her belly, and suck down the broad full orange brown of another drink, and fight as if I were back in the dorms, scrabbling for a bed, and grab her hand and run along the promenade with her, but mostly I want to see steam rising from a roast, a freshly cooked salmon, a chicken gleaming greasily, to inhale that fulsome heady essence deep through my lungs.
‘Get Maria.’
I stare down at the bed, like a drunken man fixating on the single detail in his vision that will buy him a second away from violent regurgitation.
She’s raising her eyebrows, I’m sure, as she stands by the bed and begins to dress.
‘No.’ My craving doesn’t attend her petty, insubstantial concession to decorum. I need, now. She turns and looks at me over her shoulder. I think she hopes the smooth swell of her buttocks, the sweet curvature of her sides will overcome my all-encompassing thirst, that a quick, empty fuck will relieve her her duty.
‘What?’
I stay still, my mouth is all that moves.
‘Maria.’
‘Cook what?’
She doesn’t understand. Even as I speak to her eyes with mine, I tell her, she knows nothing.
‘Everything,’ I fail to make my message explicit.
She shrugs and walks out. She screams in Italian at Maria, and I hear her pad down the  hallway.
I lie on my back and stare at the ceiling. My belly is a thin membrane, a veined skin-thin purple flesh filled with air. I want. I wish all at once to stop up my emptiness. To be full, filled. I dream of eating Isabella. I envision the bright shine of her legs braising in the sun.

Us

We’ve been going out for ten months, nearly eleven. In the early days, I was completely overwhelmed by her. She was everything that youth is – free, unspoiled, infinitely active.

I wrote this after about a month, and my obsession and energy comes through in a style that’s sometimes excessive. Regardless, it’s one of the stories I’m most proud of. It’s about us.

Us

The night’s alive. There’s a humming energy, like fucking thousands of volts are just waiting for us to plug in. We thank the parents and stumble down the front path, out to the gate, and I snake my arm around her waist and pull her close to me. Jack’s behind us, smiling to himself, and I grab him too and put him in a headlock with my other arm and kiss the top of his head, pressing these people against me. We laugh and try to talk, but it’s too funny and we’re too full of everything the night has built us into and we just keep laughing and I slump against her chest and wrap my arms around her neck and we head out the gate.

Outside, I turn her to me and put a hand on the back of each of her hips and don’t let her go, I press my lips against hers and press her body against me, full of love and longing and her presence, soft and real. The seconds melt together as everything hazes, and the haze is her so close to my eyes, her soft cheeks and the makeup she’d be beautiful without and the hair I hold in my hand. All my ache and unsurety, disillusionment and driftingness are there, but they’re packed right down. Erased to such a faint trace that they’re barely there. All I know, all I can be is her. I hold her face in both hands, desperation breathing through my lungs and the need, the urgency to let her know everything that she is. I need to make her know how beautiful she is, how much she encapsulates everything that deserves my seconds on earth. I whisper to her that I love her, and she squeezes her eyes tight in a smile that says she knows.

Then we’re walking, staggering and alive in the drive of the night, our arms are full of force and our eyes can only see hope, everything in me feels young. I feel her in the crook of my arm, and bury my face in her hair and want to stay like this, to collect up her narrow limbs and carry her like a baby. I want to hold her until I die, to fucking destroy anything that even looks like it threatens her. From the haze, Jack’s walking along beside us, in his own world. I let her go and jump on him, grabbing him round the shoulders and pulling him.

He laughs and we talk in sounds that are barely words, telling each other how much we’re the best friends ever and we’ll get an apartment in New York and I’ll be a writer and he’ll start a band with people he finds there, and we hug as we walk and I feel like I’m home. This person, whose face and body I know like I know the walls of my room, is everything I know and love.  I feel us together, our current sweeping along the road as Jack knick-knocks a house like we’re eleven again and we all bolt for our lives, laughing and panting and feeling the air tear at our clothes hair faces and our hearts and lungs are going to explode but we keep going.

Later, we’re in a park, and she’s on the flying-fox upside-down and I’m clapping and going nuts and Jack’s on the phone. The night is safe, stretching further than we could ever walk, and it’s all ours. Trees hide us, and I chase her across the grass, and we shove each other like boys. We’re kissing, then we’re running, then we’re kissing. Then Jack’s telling me about the loneliness that’s wallpapered on the inside of his soul, that feels like a black sludge coating every inane bullshit word he or someone else speaks, and anything we do is useless and temporary entertainment. Then I’m grabbing his hand with both of mine and trying to stick the truth into his head: that here, this, us, is beautiful: not waiting, not wanting, just out and living like we won’t be able to when we’re dead at the end of our seventy, eighty, years. This, i make him know, is fucking beautiful. Raw real new, jostling and awkward, mundane and stupid, quaint and enigmatic, this is a fucking gift that we’ve got here. I think, even though I’ve been exactly where he is so I know that someone else telling you can’t make you know, that he appreciates the effort. And having someone to talk to about the island that he is, the lonely kid who’s alone even when he’s out in the thick of it with his best friend, is worth something.

We get fish and chips. It disappears in minutes, drunk animals feasting. We’re sitting eating it on a shopping centre roof carpark, the stars weak diluted by the lights of the carpark above us, but I let everyone know in my pretentious verbose drunken way that despite the taint of this urban cage we can still transcend, glimpse a hope, a ghost of nature’s beauty. I hold her and rest my forehead on hers, too close to focus, and think how inadequate words are as a bridge between you, your experience, your world, all you live and someone else’s perception. Then I throw a chip at Jack, and bolt down the ramp dodging a car as he chases me and flipping off the cars which beep us. Our limbs pound, our sneakers hit the concrete, and when he catches up to me he jumps on my back and wraps his legs around me. My back’s about to break but I carry him anyway, drunk enough to run with him bumping on my back along a footpath next to a main road. She catches up to us at the corner, and then we’re sitting on a wall drinking.

I feel the strength of the suburbs. All the lies, the pettiness and packed lunches and dropping the kids off at gym, ballet, footy, the unspoken racism and fears that all this could go in a second, the cars and the houses and trees.  All of it. For the first time, I think how invincible this way of life is. The grids of these streets are etched in deep.  I think of marrying her. Seeing her every day, seeing her face and feeling her love and giving. A child with her, a child which we’d raise with all our love and we’d be a triangle of strength, perfect, unity and balance and we’d support and build each other until we were unstoppable. I’m listening to my iPod, dancing like a monkey with an itch, and Jack’s filming it and she’s just laughing, then I do magic tricks with a coin and a car’s bumped up onto the curb, stopping just short of my leg.

What the fuck , I laugh.

It’s my brother, fucking pissed up as usual, Jack says. The window rolls down and there’s the smell of beer from inside. A larger, more bearded, fatter Jack is sitting inside.

Where to, kiddies, he smiles. His eyes are only three-quarters open.  Jack slides over the bonnet like a 70’s cop and gets in the passenger door. She reaches for the door, but I grab her hand and grab her face with both hands, probably because I know, I can see exactly how this is. I kiss her. I love her through my lips, i pull her head against mine and don’t let her escape the knowledge of how much she is my world, my everything. My head resting against hers, I look at her eyes.

I love you, I fucking love you so so much. She lays her hands on my cheeks.

I love you.

The lights flash by. Music, light sliding over her face as all I can see is her eyes, all I ever want to do is stay here with her. I would marry this girl. Opportunity cost: I would throw away ever fucking other girl that was, is and will be for a life with her. The lights flicker quicker over her face, and I reach my hand out and press it to her breast, and feel her heart beat into my hand. There’s noise. Light. Pain, then peace.

Welcome

For the inaugural post, I’ll welcome you all to my blog. I’m a writer from Melbourne, Australia. 

Enjoy.

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